THE GROWING SUSPICION
“NOT IN THIS HOUSE,” you proudly proclaim as you set all of your Nintendo based games in your house ablaze. After much of the flames consume the video games, you think to yourself, “I have nothing to worry about anymore,” as you recollect your fear-filled thoughts of video game villains attempting to steal your wife. Time passes by and you recall the flames as if it were yesterday, watching Bowser’s face melt. The joy filled your heart and you couldn’t be any more proud, just as when you’re father looked at you on your wedding day to tell how proud he felt for you because it was one of the only things you’ve ever done correctly.
It isn’t until you hear a familiar noise. You don’t can’t recollect your memories of the noise, but it sounded so familiar. The first day, you shrug it off as you hearing things again because the voices in your head are normally friendly. But after weeks of hearing the noise, you realize it sounds like a Bowser-like dialogue. You remember the familiar sound from playing Super Mario 64 on the Nintendo 64. You are shocked and disgusted at the same time! Did somebody keep the Nintendo 64 console AND Super Mario 64.
But you watched both of them burn in the dumpster fire several weeks ago, so where else could it be coming from? Then you realize it is coming from your wife’s phone.
“Dear,” you state, but she doesn’t move look at you. She is only staring into her phone. She proceeds to finish her text and slowly leaves the room. The awkward silence is deafening. You begin to worry. Is she seeing a Nintendo villain behind your back?
THE WRONG NAME
You’ve placed the ringtone thought into the back of your mind. You don’t think any more about it…until another incident occurs.
You’re enjoying a lovely breakfast with your wife before the long day of work begins. “Dear, could you please pass the jelly?”
“Absolutely, Ganondorf…” she replies.
Another awkward silence fills the room. You are fully aware that your name is not Ganondorf, the famous villain from the Legend of Zelda. It could be a simple mistake if your name was Gandalf, but no one loves the Lord of the Rings to the extent to name their child after the great Wizard. You would overlook the mistake if your name was Canon, but you are not a 17th-century weapon and neither have you legally changed your name to Canon.
It’s a tense moment, but you never mention it. You silently grab the jelly and spread it on your toast while you contemplate what occurred. You shrug it off and don’t want to start an argument with her before you head to work. Even though, you avoid it, you feel it. You know it. Something is wrong.
STRANGE NEW INTERESTS
You’ve been noticing some strange things around the house. She’s been busy the past few weeks. Away from you and out of your sight. You retrieve the mail. Another book from Amazon? You didn’t order a new book. You don’t even leisurely read anymore. After several different orders from Amazon, you realize it was ordered by your wife. You take the mail inside and let your curiosity get the best of you. She spends her time at a production factory. Why does she spend her time there?
You walk to the computer, log onto Amazon. You find the recent orders from the site. To your surprise, she has ordered new books about space, NASA technology, and…engineering? You are confused. Your thoughts are being carried away. You cannot fathom what she must be working and piecing together. By the sounds of it, she is working to piece together her new lover, Ridley from Metroid Prime.
You decide to not pursue this any further. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You don’t think about it until you hear her say, “I’ll be at the factory.” You are alone with your thoughts. Your fear begins to rise. Why? Because you know what is in that place. Lies! Well, in your case. But, realistically, it is your wife and tools. Do you know who needs to tools to survive and revive back to life to fight their arch-nemesis? You guessed it! Ridley!
CLOTHING THAT DOESN’T BELONG TO YOU
“EXPLAIN THIS,” you exclaim at your wife. In the middle of your rant, you throw a piece of clothing at her. It is a giant red coat, resembling King Dedede, the ruler of Dream Land and the arch-frenemy of Kirby.
She stares at the coat. While she is trying to think of a response, you become furious, ready to burn down the home where those treacherous villains stood. She looks deeply into your eyes, providing the false hope she’ll confess her sins.
She looks and asks, “How could you forget that I’ve signed you up to be Santa Claus this winter at the local hospital?”
You calm yourself. You think, “What is she talking about?”
“Dear, why would you do something without my approval and volunteer me for something roughly ten months away?”
“You never listen to me! I mentioned this to you a week ago that we needed to help the local hospital during the holidays,” she exclaims.
You are confused even more. You don’t remember this conversation. She is upset and you can tell it from the look on her face. Instead of arguing, you avoid the conversation because it is not the time for it. You are aware something isn’t correct within your household.
THE FINAL STRAW
You need fresh air. You recollect the wonderful memories of walking through the park with your wife. She has loved animals all of her life, as she would point out every bird at the park in your memory. “That’s it,” you say to yourself. You plan a date day to visit animals. You cannot believe you’ve never thought of this until now. To save your sanity, you need out of that wretched house and be alone with your wife. In hopes of rekindling an old flame, you plan a day at the zoo.
Once you arrive at the zoo, the conversations are awkward, like the car ride to the location. It’s strange, but you could care less about anything. The only care you possess is winning over your wife. You notice she is eyeing a particular section of the zoo. You couldn’t help but ask, “Dear, where would you like to go first?”
“The Reptile House is where I want to go!” Why would she want to go to a house filled with reptiles? You are aware she hates all forms of reptiles. You oblige and begin to walk in that direction.
Once inside, she walks to look at the crocodiles. As you watch the motionless beasts, she states, “You know there is a king that rules over this pack, right?”
You become confused. Last you checked, crocodiles don’t have a pack-leader mentality. You would’ve been told that by the Discovery Channel shows you watched as a boy. As you continue to stare, questions rise in your head. You entertain her comments, “Which one of these crocodiles is the leader of this pack?”
“None of these are the leader. The leader doesn’t live in an exhibit but a throne room,” she responds quickly.
What is this madness? What is she talking about? A throne roo…then it hits you. You remember those fond days of playing Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong games. King K. Rool, the king of the crocs. How did she know? Are you simply overthinking it? Is it King K. Rool? You cancel the date and head home in awkward silence.
TIME TO SETTLE IT
This is it. You’ve reached the end of your rope. This is the last thread of sanity you possess. So, here are a list of steps to finding this home-wrecking villain.
Step One: Talk to your boss and ask for time off
Trust me, they will understand. They may even give you a thumbs up and an encouraging word before your journey.
Step Two: Purchases
This will cost a bit of money, but it is for your marriage. If you do not already have one, then I encourage you to purchase a Nintendo Reality Adapter. It can be used for all consoles, although they claimed it would only work for the Gameboy. Anyways, purchase this item before it is too late.
Step Three: Find Her Stash
You know she has been hiding her games so she may make frequent visits to her hidden lover. A gaming device. A memory card. You’d even accept a controller. You’re desperate for anything.
You find it. A Gamecube. Interesting. So, you find the memory card. You don’t look at game, you plug it up, plug up the Reality Adapter. You let the machine do it’s own thing. You are sucked into the game. Your journey is almost complete.
Step Four: Understand Your Surroundings and Don’t Die
You are here. You’ve been wondering for so long about this moment. You are unaware of the surrounding. It is a wooded area filled with space ships. Star Wars Battlefront, possibly? No, they never made that for the Gamecube. Whatever the case, you must figure it out your location and survive.
Be careful!
Remember, you can die in this virtual reality. Also, your wife can legally divorce you if you are dead. So don’t provide her with the satisfaction. But as you follow the path to find the home-wrecker, you must move quickly.
Step Five: Find Him
All roads have led to this moment. You see someone in sight and it is one of the greatest villains of all time…
Olimar.
Wait a second, you (the reader) reply. Isn’t he a hero in an Nintendo game? Yes, I’m simply telling the story of dear friend of mine. Besides, any man that plots to ruin your marriage is a villain anyways.
Back to the steps. Once you reach his base, it is go-time. You grab this pint-size pipsqueak by the astronaut suit, pushing him against the nearest tree. His suit smells like your detergent at home. As you threaten him and he confesses his evil deeds for marital sabotage, remember to not allow your feelings to overwhelm you, otherwise he will escape.
Whatever you decide to do from this point is your own choosing. It is a virtual world, need I remind you. Just remember to not allow any friends or visitors in your house to accidentally power off the game. Otherwise, it begins another problem for you. So be careful, my friends.
Those are some of my weekly tips. Thank you for reading. You can follow me on Twitter @CultralPersona and continue to read any of Weekend Conversations blogs and listen to their podcasts. I’m Drew from Culture of Personality, and I’ll be writing to you soon! Have a good weekend!
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